from young ones to young moms

it is a known fact among my close friends that my greatest fear is to not be able to have kids. i just love love love children that even the thought of not being able to have one is already daunting for me. as an only child, i've never wanted to have a kid sister or brother, though. nevertheless, i simply adored babies, and up to now, there is not a day in the mall that passes without me and my mom talking about babies/kids we find amusing.

this evening, ve and i talked about having kids in our 20's. our other bestfriend, ape, became a mom at 19 and i've to admit that motherhood has really become her--she's never been prettier, never been more grounded than she is now as a 22-year old mom to almost 3-year old mattie (or matt, as she prefers to call him.) ve said sometimes she forgets that ape is already a mom; i used to also but now there is no denying that the little one means the world to her, that he has changed her life in ways i can only imagine.

i told ve that while there are things in my life i still have to figure out, there is one thing i am sure of, and that is i want to start my own family. i think of the married life, being a mom, and everything about it, including all that is difficult, is beautiful to me. it amazes me to think of this capacity to rear children into the world, to have them mean everything to you, and for you to mean everything to them. i think it's beyond special to be given such a big responsibility of being a parent, of being a teacher, of having that capacity to raise kids. it blows me away to think of mini-me's and 10-pound versions of my man...hehe...i love it. being a wife, a mom, it just feels so right for me, like being comfortable in your own skin, knowing that that is who you're supposed to be.

of course, i am not yet all of these. i am not in a hurry, though. the thought of starting my own family doesn't excite me in the same way that a kid gets all hyped for a trip to the beach or something. it doesn't even sound right when i say 'excited' because now, to me, it feels more like a desire, a strong longing to have that fulfilled when everything is in its rightful place.