of doubters and skeptics

on my 22nd birthday, i forgot to do one very important thing: visit a church. this wasn't the first time i failed to do so, but my 2nd. a play on 2's, huh? it was my mother's panata, as she'd call it, that i visit a church every birthday of mine. apparently, she was worried about how sickly i was as a kid that she had to make some kind of a promise such as this. so to make up for my lack of reverence to her promise, i paid our nearby church a friendly visit a day late.

i wasn't really planning to stay long, hence, i left the house in short shorts and a decent shirt. i was, instead, planning to walk 2 blocks to the nearby atm. however, when i reached the church, there was a mass and i couldn't bring myself inside, lest i might cause a stir with what i was wearing. i decided to stay outside and listen in on the homily, something i usually don't do (unless it's delivered by a Jesuit...hehe)

the priest was talking about how this society of ours has become so keen on asking for signs (being doubtful and skeptical); he said we are always looking for God in the extraordinary events, somewhat like waiting for a repeat of the multiplication of loaves or the turning of water to wine. this actually struck me, as i reflected on how i was also watching out for significant happenings in my life in order for me to believe that there is, indeed, a greater being. a lot of people are, in fact, egging me on to go back to praying, but for me, it just seems like a big show if i did. somehow, the things that happened to me, stuff i think i didn't deserve, caused me to turn my back on an already ailing faith. it was a betrayal of sorts, like a feeling that nothing was going my way. i had complete control over what i can do with my life, i thought. it doesn't mean that just because one doesn't pray, one can't get what he wants or deserves.

so as i was listening on, i remembered a line from a poem that boiled down to something like, "If God doesn't give you what you want, it's probably not for you, or not yet the time." i guess this is right, for what do i know of the great scheme of things? nothing, probably. i know only of asking for signs, of the validity of feeling betrayed when everything seems to just not go your way. the priest said this was perfectly understandable, especially among the poor who cannot see progress in their day-to-day activities. and this was like a slap on my face as i was standing by the church i entered as frequently as i did the men's CR in shangri-la in 2004 (read: never).

i'd say our blessings are really more abundant than we can estimate. the fact is, we will never really know how fortunate we are unless we see people in lesser states than we are in. but the thing is, it's not enough to know how blessed we are, rather, i think it's in how we perceive our roles in society given what we have, knowing that we are more able to sleep comfortably than others, that what we can spend on gimik night, some have to break their backs for an entire month to earn.

these were just some of the thoughts running through my head as i stood there half-thinking that this was a good homily, and the other half thinking that this would be a good premise to write an entry on...hehe...seriously, though, when the priest said we shouldn't look for God in the extraordinary events, but in the everyday, i knew he was right. everyday miracles, i'd say, like babies being born, the sun never failing to shine, Mango still on sale...ooops..., not that..hehe...everyday miracles, yeah...what i mean is, our realities have transcended boundaries what with the Internet, media, etc., such that we've unconsciously blocked the mystery in the seemingly mundane events. i think what's missing is the way we look around us with wonder (hmm...sounds like a Philo lesson to me), like how babies do...it's like they see everything for the first time. but for us, who've spent forever and a day going about stuff that seem to matter, the everyday has just become, well, everyday! normal, routine, mundane, uneventful...no "wow!" factor...

i think there's nothing wrong with asking for signs. what, perhaps, is wrongful, is to equate the granting of it to the existence of a transcendent power. i say wrongful, because if it isn't granted, then knowing how humans are and the vulnerability of our hearts, we can easily equate it to the thought that we've been abandoned, much like how the person in the "Footprints in the Sand" thought.

i've already probably ran the risk of sounding moralizing, but if it's any consolation, i know i'm still a long way to go from delivering a meaningful, heartfelt prayer. however, i know that there is no other way to go but back to the faith i left before i felt betrayed, back to a time when i didn't need to ask for a sign, when i just believed.

it's like love, i guess...it's not in the extraordinary gestures that we know how much we are loved, but in the simple, everyday acts that we tend to overlook.