Sore Sunday

I’m home alone again on another Sunday. Actually, my mom and I don’t see each other as often as we did before (meaning, when I was still single), but I think it’s all good. We still have dinner together at Shangri-la at least three times a week so that’s okay. I want to live all by myself as soon as my finances allow and I’m thinking that the separation anxiety will be worse on her end. So the situation we’re in now is perhaps, in preparation for our “separate lives.”

Anyway, I went to Body Jam classes Tuesday, Friday and yesterday. So now, my legs are killing me. For real. I swear, walking up and down the stairs is an ordeal in itself. And squatting to pick something up? Ah… give me brazilian waxing instead! Which reminds me, I have to go back to Emphasis for that…

But really, the class is so much fun! Having gone to three branches in a week (RP, Ortigas, and Fort), I can say that the most enjoyable class is the one in RP while the best instructor is the one at the Fort. Ortigas? Nahh… As I’ve said, though, my legs are aching so bad I can’t even believe it, yet I still am considering attending the 5:15 class at the Fort a little later. But the hiphop moves there require a bit of squatting of sorts that I’m afraid I may never get out of that position. So Tuesday it is, then.

*
I can’t believe it’s already February this Wednesday. Just a few more days and I’ll be 23! I’m so excited! I’m probably the only person I know who looks forward to growing old. Hihi.

loss

At Gaile’s despedida, we learned of the infamous Nel-Tus breakup that’s now pretty much official. Here’s my promised blog entry for Nel.

Betrayal is a tricky thing. As my mom says, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” But as it is, things have a way of being discovered, and the long and painful process of getting over what was once the source of your happiness has to be faced.

There are lots of questions that come to mind when you first find out the truth. You can ask, “Why?” or “How could you?” but the answers will never be a source of comfort (at least not for me). I’ve even realized that the more you find out, the more painful it becomes, and the more insignificant the relationship seems. It’s like when you become privy to the details of the how’s and the when’s, and even the why’s, everything that comes prior to the realization becomes sort of a big lie.

We fall in love and begin to look forward to a future together. We believe in the talk of marriage, of love that’s never been felt before, of being the love of his life, or simply, of forever. I look at all these and wonder if they’re more detrimental than romantic or necessary to a relationship that you nurture and value. What becomes of a relationship when you don’t look forward, anyway? I think that what’s essential is to believe in the possibility of forever, of a life together. The possibility. Ultimately because nothing is certain. Not even when the two of you are in love.

It’s painful to build your everyday on an expectation and find out that it’s not going to happen. Not in the near future anyway, and not as snag-free as you’d have preferred. But that which hurts us can only make us stronger, as they say. And I truly, truly believe this. Maybe he really does love you, and maybe it was really a mistake (a big, and costly one, may I add), what with men being capable of separating love from sex. But the thing is, there’s a price to pay for every action one commits. We cannot romanticize the act of coming clean when there’s too much pain inflicted.

You said something about forgiveness, and I thought it was too early for that. It was because I have my own definition of forgiveness. Personally, it’s the ability to tell yourself that you won’t let the past hurt you anymore. Nobody’s rushing you to do anything, anyway. I say, give yourself time to grieve, however long it should take. And when you’re over this, there should be no looking back. Let yourself move forward along with whatever it is you’ve taken from all of this.

I thought I’d have more to say but I guess I’ll stop here first. And for god’s sake, stop reading the girl’s blog!

yet another uneventful week

Last night I attended a Pilates class for the first time. And boy, did I underestimate its complexities. I mean, I thought it would just be a breeze…you know, how hard can stretching be after all? Apparently, not that easy. Good thing the instructor was a bit cute. Hihi. Until now, I can still hear him say, “We move only when we exhale,” or “Follow the line of your body,” or “We go down one vertebrae at a time.” That last one was a deal breaker. How in the world do you control going down (meaning, to go back to one’s lying position on the mat) one vertebrae at a time???!!! And all throughout the workout, I was thinking, “I’m not worsening my scoliosis, am I?” Oh, and there were more, “Squeeze your thighs, squeeze your legs, contract your abs, and lift your butts” as we progressed. Oh dear. It was fun though. Who knows, I might just be a regular.

So that was Friday. Thursday was a blur. Yep, if I’m correct, I did absolutely nothing on Thursday. Wednesday was a drag because I got sick. I woke up early to vomit what seemed to me like the remnants of the duck my boyfriend and I ate at Chinese Monk in Power Plant. That was at 4:15am of Wednesday. So I went to work, didn’t feel better so I spent the afternoon lying in our clinic asleep. The weird thing was, I never thought that a clinic can be so noisy! Every now and then, people would come in heavy with laughter and chit chats. What the…? Around 4:20pm, people were already packing up to go home and I got a bit anxious. You see, Dione had the unfortunate experience of being locked in right inside the clinic. Can you imagine? They actually forget they have patients inside. Hihi. And I was not about to be spared, since nobody even bothered to check up on me. Heck, when I finally decided to get out of bed at around 4:45pm, I was almost certain that the doctor thought to herself, “Where in the world did this disheveled girl come from?!” And since I was still feeling under the weather, my boyfriend decided to come fetch me at work (for the first time.) However, I doubt that there’ll be a second time as he was caught for a traffic violation and we were stuck in traffic going home. Oh well, all in a day’s work, I guess.

Monday and Tuesday, we were at the Tower for our Investments immersion. I like it there in the Tower, although in UN, the atmosphere’s really homey. Nothing much to say about our immersion although it was great to have Mr. Grau talk to us. He’s like a big grandpa you’d want to have, what with his compassionate heart. Awww…

That was my week, I guess. Pretty boring, I’d say. The next will be an even more boring one, perhaps.

Oh, and may I just add, my Tita’s pregnant! I love it! We’re still keeping it a secret from my mom, though. I can’t wait for August!

1st weekend of the year

friday night was fun. it was gaile's despedida/block dinner/nel's presscon at sentro in greenbelt. nothing really beats a well-attended get together where the stories can range from what went on in college to "selling" credit cards or to recent heartbreaks. it's great to see people you've spent a lot of time with in the past pursue their own careers and begin to be defined by what they do. now the question is, "where do you work?" and not anymore, "what's your next class?" lunch now has become a by-appointment-only rendezvous and always, the time for catching up on each other's lives is never quite enough. ah...the gift of friendship...there really is nothing like having genuine friends.

saturday was steady fun. boyfriend day is always a great day.

sunday was shopping at powerplant day. i've NEVER seen powerplant so jampacked. my mom and i were off to a slow start. we got to the mall at around 1:30, bought tickets for the family stone, bought vcd's, had lunch, then watched the movie till 5:00, ate a little, and heard mass. then we shopped. good thing my acting skills more than made up for my lack of funds because my mom got me a new pair of shoes and really cute women's secret stuff! hihi... we were so into the whole let's-shop-till-we-drop mantra that we didn't even notice it was way past the closing time and i was still trying on a pair of jeans! oh goodness...

so that was how i spent the first weekend of the year. another grueling week is about to come. oh well.

* nel, i will write you that blog entry, i promise.

new year

i thought it best to start the year by posting a prayer i got from my philo teacher 3 years ago. here it is...

When I was a boy, I remember
Two thoughts kept occurring to me, and made me laugh.
An owl frightened by darkness, and a fish
Afraid of water. Why did I think of them?
Because I felt dimly the difference
Between what is, and what should be; between
Having to endure and finding one’s burden
Unendurable.
Every man
Is such an owl and such a fish, created
To work in darkness, to live in the deep;
And yet he is afraid. He splashes
In anguish towards the shore, stares at the bright
Vault of heaven, and screams: ‘Give me the air
And the blaze of day!
--Henrik Ibsen