love means never having to say ________

back when i was 13 or 14, my boyfriend told me i didn't have to thank him for the "good deeds" he did for me like opening the car door, driving me home, helping me carry my things, etc. when i asked him why, he said that it was because these things were already expected of him as a boyfriend so i didn't have to thank him as i would a stranger or a friend. since i was younger than he was, and i didn't know any better, i happily played along. hey, it was fun to be pampered like that, you know. as i've always said, there's nothing like being with a perfect gentleman.

now, 10 years after, i am faced with some sort of righteous indignation at how sometimes, even when things are kind of already expected of you given the multiple roles you assume in life--daughter, girlfriend, friend, what have you, you never get the 'thank you' you deserve. and i mean not only in the verbal sense of being appreciated, but perhaps, in other manifestations of basic courtesy and gratitude.

of course, it's absurd to thank people for everything good they do for us, right? because if that were the case, we'd all constantly be thanking our mothers. however, i think what i'm trying to say is that sometimes, not all the time, we have to let people know or feel, that we appreciate their presence in our lives. i guess the need to feel dearly valued when you put so much of yourself out there is but an expression of the basic human condition--that there is a sense of brokenness in all of us, a constant tugging of the 'who we are' and the 'who we want to be.' i guess in the end, all we want is an affirmation that we, in all the roles we play, are making our own imprints in somebody else's life. i don't think that is too much to ask.

WHY?

i have recently hypothesized that some people have a natural nurturing instinct, while others just want to be looked after. some people always put another person first, while others just care about themselves. moreover, for those who only want to be taken care of, their number one consideration in finding a life partner is, undoubtedly, that person's ability to take care of them.

well, all i can say to those who just want to be taken care of is this: if you ever find somebody who will give an arm and a leg just to put you first, it might be to your advantage if you appreciated that person.

the thing is, even after all your good deeds, you aren't allowed even one outburst of pure, raw emotion stemming from a deeper and hidden desire to also be taken care of, in whatever small way possible. fat chance and tough luck, i say to you.

june musings

i feel like it's been such a long time since i last posted an entry here. my internet connection, though "unlimited," is so weird i can't connect at home.

anyway, so june. the first week marked the beginning of my stint here in Marketing. i like it here, though it seemed to me that they didn't know what to do with me at first. eventually, i found myself doing some stuff, menial they may be, but something to be preoccupied with for the time being nonetheless. the second week was spent entirely in UN for several trainings i attended by myself (meaning i was either with agents or other Philam group employees). i would never imagine that i would miss being in UN. i think i missed the CTDD girls in UN. aaaawwww... they're like sisters! now, on my third week, martin put me in charge of a forum to be held this saturday. so i guess, this is work already. not to mention that i'm also coordinating the new batch of mappers' immersion here this Friday, only because i'm the newbie here and everybody else has better things to do than coordinate with HR...hihi...but hey, i like being a pointperson, especially with the mappers. i have to get used to their calling me 'ate' though.

during the long weekend, i went to Batangas/Tagaytay with my boyfriend, his mom, and his sister. ah. i thought it was going to be horrible to spend a night with his sister. heck, i even imagined her suffocating me with a pillow the second i fell asleep, but as they say, look at the brighter side of things, and i guess she wasn't so bad at all. i'm not out to steal her precious brother, anyway. i think i already got him bad...hahaha

what else? hmmm... oh i know! i finally got to meet ve's new boy (she's going to kill me when she reads this...) he's nice, which is great news for my friend who's been to hell and back on her own doing. the four of us, my mom included, ate at max brenner's last sunday and when ve and i went to the washroom, he told my mom that he was surprised to find out that somebody as pretty as ve didn't have a boyfriend. ah..i wanted to smack him in the head. there are lots of women like that out there!!! i, myself, am wondering how these women end up being single for a long time. i remember saying before, whenever i saw somebody unattractive but attached (and most especially if she's fat, i know i'm bad, so sue me), "why does she have a boyfriend??!!" oh well, as i always tell myself, it's not all about beauty. there's also personality to speak of. however, the most baffling thing about this whole thing is that there are 'it' girls out there who are still unattached! some would say it's because these girls are intimidating and have high standards. oh well, i'm just grateful i have somebody i can drag to a cheezy chick flick when i want to.

***

i can't believe it's going to be july next week. we're in the second half, so to speak. sometimes i wish time would breeze by as swiftly as possible, bringing me to some place i want to be. some state of mind, perhaps. but i guess time isn't the element i have to go against here. i don't know. i'm typing random thoughts. i never do that.

***

i don't what else to blog about. there's really not much going on with me. it's a mundane existence of work and after-work. unless my life will turn "unexpectedly" one of these months... i wish this time it's for real.