let me just get this out of my system

those close to me know that i have bitchy moods. one thing i'll never do, though, is to make fun of other people's friends whether behind their backs or right in their presence. i happen to respect the friendship that exists between them and know that people are, indeed, different. if people can't do the same, then it's probably best and mature to just keep their thoughts to themselves and not make a big brouhaha over it with others.

as amirah would have it, let me just say, "i may be silent, but i'm not blind. never."

got this from maggie

Write 20 Random Facts About Yourself, Then Tag The Same Number Of People As The Minutes It Takes You To Write The Facts. If You're Tagged, It's Your Turn.

1. i NEVER get to finish lipsticks or lip balms. i get bored then buy new ones.
2. i went cold turkey on red meat in april of 2004. never had the urge to eat sisig nor crispy pata ever again.
3. i don't like digital clocks nor watches. seems to me that i can't estimate the time without seeing where the hands are.
4. whenever i'm in a bad mood, i'm probably just hungry.
5. i like telling people that i was a battered child. they always think it's a big joke of mine, when, in truth, it isn't. haha!
6. i never learned how to swim (properly, at that), ride a bike, play cards, and whistle.
7. i never got a chance to take a bath in the rain.
8. i had my first boyfriend when i was 10 years old in grade 4. that affair lasted all of 3 days.
9. i hate anything that's strawberry/cherry flavored.
10. i get excited by the thought of using something for the very first time. yup, even shampoo.
11. i never get rattled. yesterday, we thought the elevator was going straight to the ground floor because it shook with a loud thud. my first reaction? i smiled. dione probably thought i was nuts.
12. i believe i grew old earlier than normal. i was watching melrose place when girls my age still played 10-20.
13. i never fail to ask mai what "milk" in the recipe means. condensed or evaporated? and every time she explains to me the difference, i forget all about it after then ask her the next time i bake.
14. i'm usually good at following budgets. one time i said to my friends at work, "I don't really buy a lot of stuff every month that's why i get to save." the next day, i had a new phone (which, scouring my budget, isn't listed at all). won't you look at that.
15. the first test i ever failed was one on odd and even numbers. i didn't pay attention and guessed all my answers in the quiz. never even got one guess right. that explains why i don't even try my luck in the lottery.
16. i eat with one leg up the seat. apparently, my two bestfriends, april and ve, do the same thing.
17. i go to shangri-la almost 5 times in a week. i'm beginning to believe i own it.
18. i'm always the last to finish eating. whether it be with my high school friends, college friends, work friends, family...the list goes on. my good friend, thad, said i'm the best companion to have in survivor because i'll be happy with a grain of rice and last for days eating it.
19. it takes me forever to grow tired of something. in college, i ate crispy noodles with fried dumplings everyday for like a month. then the next, i was at food for thought everyday buying the same kind of sandwich.
20. i'm so bad at birthdays i have to ask mai to remind me of our friends' birthdays. heck, i even have to confirm with her whether her birthday is on the 3rd or 4th of may.

there goes my list. if i could add one more fact it would be that i'm a slow writer. goes without saying it took me more than 20 minutes to come up with this. i'm not tagging 20 people! it will take me another 20 minutes to come up with names!

loving like a boy...not my style

I’m finally done with my paper and presentation for Monday. The weather here in UN is so weird it rained with the sun shining.

Anyway, today I thought about building your life around someone. You know, like going out of the social circuit when you’re in a relationship. Ve and I always talked about that, about how we always, always fall into that routine. Friends do take the backseat when we’re in love, and while we know this isn’t healthy, we never really fight it back, nor do we reprimand each other. We’re happy that way, never mind if this prioritizing, of course done unconsciously, is never reciprocated.

But that was before, when we were younger and still fools in love. Eventually, we got hurt and thought about all the gimiks with friends we missed all because we wanted to be with our boyfriends, all the phone calls we abruptly ended to talk to the SO, etc. She said, “Totally not worth it!” But I was quick to say that that was what we wanted at that time, and that was what made us happy so we shouldn’t bother with wanting to reverse the past.

They say experience, especially in love, makes us wiser. At 22, I don’t have enough experience in love to speak of, and I don’t really know what ‘wiser’ in love means. There will always be hard habits to break, if you ask me. Unless of course, you meet that one person who turns out to be special enough you’d want to do things right for the sake of forever after.

So I got to thinking, should I really start thinking about how I am as a girlfriend? Angela asked me something along the lines of: “Would you put your boyfriend first before your friends?” And without batting an eyelash, I let out a “Yeah.” Ha! You see, being pragmatic and realistic in order to avoid getting hurt in love has never been my style. Heck, nobody can be spared from a heartache, I believe. It’s fun to think you’d last forever, you know. As the poem goes, “Not even the rain has such small hands…” See? Why mess up the romance?

For my own sake, I’m probably just going to infuse an ounce of pragmatism in my girlfriendhood. I’ve actually tried this, but I was met with questions like, “Are things with you and your boy okay?” or “What happened? How come you’re entertaining the thought of you not ending up together?” So you see, my attempt at becoming like a boy in the relationship (read: practical) was met with curious, if not inquisitive responses. That led me to think that perhaps, girls really do have high hopes upon entering a relationship and more so when it actually progresses to something serious. Saying something like, “I can never be sure if we’ll end up together, anyway,” kind of sends messages of practicality (which isn’t normal if you’re a girl) or even of discontent.

I remember a friend of mine at work ask, “Why is it that our schedules depend on our boyfriends such that we have to check with them if we have plans so we’ll know if we can plan something with other people, but for them, they can make plans on their own and just inform us about it?” Well, don’t ask me. I, who seldom makes demands, rarely sets the day’s schedule (no “let’s watch a movie then eat at so and so…”) and never goes out with friends when there’s a date with the boy (yeah, even if the gimik was planned days before.) Funny thing is, my mom’s become like me. Almost every afternoon, she texts or calls and asks, “Are you going out tonight?” Implication: Do you have a date tonight? And if there are no plans with the SO, my mom and I set a dinner date of our own.

My day is NEVER without a thought of my boy: Why isn’t he texting? Or, Right about this time he’s probably eating breakfast. Or, Are we going out tonight or does he have his own gimik? Or, Traffic’s pretty bad, I hope he doesn’t take EDSA (this is when I’m on the MRT and feel like a traffic reporter.) Yeah, “tattooed on my mind” seems like the best way to describe how I make him a part of my everyday. I do, indeed, fall hard!!!

I guess it all just boils down to how happy and content you are with the relationship and with all that takes of you to do your part in making it work (or what you think can make your relationship work.) I’m probably never going to be able to successfully take on that male approach to this whole relationship thing (not that I really want to, anyway). I’m always going to be a girl no matter how hard I fight the urge to look deep into the future. My boy will always be on my mind, and even a project presentation would have to take the backseat. Likewise, friends will have to deal with my I’m-a-devoted-girlfriend-persona for as long as this is applicable. Well, I’ve been known to claim that I’m a better girlfriend than a friend, so friends, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Maybe by others’ standards I’d be wrong to prioritize my lovelife, but hey, that’s what makes me happy. If I get hurt, well, that’s life, isn’t it? And why should I measure myself againts other people's standards, anyway? To each his own! Even in matters of the heart.

early biatch mode

It’s 8am and I’m here in the office blogging because I’m just so irritated.

This checking of bags by security guards in the LRT or in any other place should just be stopped. It’s getting so ridiculous because they don’t really check anyway! Like today, as I was entering the ticket station of the LRT, I breezed through the lady guard, just raising my paper bag for her to check. But no. This lady had the nerve to ask me, and rudely at that, to open my bag. While giving me a mean stare! I swear. So I opened my bag and looked back at her as piercingly as I could. And I was fighting the urge to ask her, “O ano, may nakita ka ba? Bitch!” Oh well, as they say, don’t let little things ruin your day, so I kept silent.

I mean , what is with all the checking nowadays? In Landmark, going to Greenbelt, guards just chat with each other while poking your bag with their god-forsaken sticks. Such a big hassle for everybody. I bet, when a bombing occurs, these guards are going to be on their toes once again.

So anyway, I was inside the elevator already going up the 3rd floor. I happily settled in the corner near the door and noticed that my floor was first among those pressed. As the door opened, I said, “Excuse me,” but this insensitive girl moved only like an inch. I looked at her and I repeated, “Excuse me,” and this time a bit louder and more irritated-sounding. Still, she didn’t budge. I had to squeeze myself out like I always do getting on the MRT. I had the urge to bang her head on the elevator walls to knock her out. But then again, violence isn’t me so what I just ended up doing was give her a glaring stare (hmmm…today I’ve done a lot of staring in an hour) when I was able to get off the elevator. Haha! So mean, huh? I swear, what is it with today?

*
Earlier today, I came across a couple holding hands while commuting. And my reaction was, “Aaawww…” Personally, I think there is nothing as sweet yet mundane at the same time, as holding hands. In public, at that.

You see, I take this as nothing less than a gesture of exclusivity for the couple. Like a grand indication of ownership, even. This, perhaps, is the most widely accepted public display of affection in society (unless you’re in Paris where French kissing is as commonplace as fake DVD hawkers here) , except of course when you’re both gay. I even think that there is something inherently romantic in how the couple’s hands just find each other so effortlessly and fit as if seamlessly. Sigh. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don’t mind.

This notion of holding hands can often serves as an announcement to the world. Of what, you may ask. Well, for grandparents still holding hands, perhaps a declaration of love that’s stood the test of time. For new lovers, maybe a sign of newfound love still tickled pink in the thought of constant togetherness. Possibly, it signifies having found comfort in each other, establishing a sort of normalcy that it escapes and denies any attempts to analyze its constant presence.

Whatever it is, love is subliminally present, though I dare not imply absent, if couples don’t hold hands.

my early wishlist

even before the -ber months, dione and i made our own Christmas wishlists. i keep on rewriting mine because i have this insane belief that the more i document it, the closer i am to getting some, if not all, of what i've written. huh? yeah, beats me.

anyway, the funny thing is that the more i convince myself that it will take me forever to buy everything, i end up debating whether i really need or just want these stuff that follow (not in order of preference, but i really do need the first one...):

• Topshop jeans in Spike: W26, L30 (price tag: 2,795 not a bad deal, i'd say)
• Esprit black leather bag (price tag: 3,498 as ve would put it, "bag naman e..." i agree!)
• Ralph Lauren Style gift set (price tag: 3,900 it comes with a body wash, a lotion and the perfume itself...aaaaaahhhh...heavenly layering!!!)
• Beauty Shop kikay essentials (price tag: hey, beauty isn't cheap...not to mention that i'm gunning for that Beauty Bar planner again. i've already 11 stamps to my credit. 29 to go. that's 5,800 worth of kikay stuff to buy till January!)
• permanent underarm hair removal (price tag: 5,000 that's just 14 underarm waxing treatments at Emphasis...so for 5k, i think this is a pretty decent deal. goodbye to waxing forever!)
• microdermabrasion/skin peeling (price tag: 5,000 i can't wait to wear skirts again!)

oh well, i'm a girl, alright. if only money grew on trees...

body jamming

i finally went to the body jam class at fitness first. and i only have three words to describe my experience: fun, fun, and fun!

yeah, maybe my friends are right...it can get addicting...

giving in to peer pressure

here's nes' influence at work. she wanted us to take this test. the thing is, i was answering this while watching desperate housewives so i didn't think i was taking it seriously. however, it is pretty accurate...amazing...

The Sonnet: Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth
CONSIDER: The Loverboy

sacred spaces

in my senior year philosophy class, we got to talk about sacred spaces -- places that you associate memories with, or even places you just keep coming back to because it holds a special meaning to your life.

in college, the bench was my sacred space (one which i shared with good friends.) it was where so much went on--reviewing for tests (or cramming, even), preparing for orals, copying homework, spilling juicy chikas, sharing lovelife tidbits (yes, whether good or bad), and just plain hanging out with friends you're going to keep for the rest of your life. now, when you say college, the fixture that automatically pops in my head is that bench. it isn't really different from all the other benches around the campus, but what makes it special is that it was ours. we didn't own it, and neither do the ones occupying it now, but what we can rightfully call ours are the memories built around the bench. we flocked to it like moths to a flame every free time, and it was really like a hub for the years we had the right to call it, "our bench." i was quite possessive of it, if truth be told and unwelcome guests always heard something from me because it felt like somebody was trespassing. it wasn't a physical kind of trespassing, though, but more of a personal intrusion, like having to open your world to a stranger. if things were to be reversed, it's probably the feeling you get when you're walking around a campus you don't belong to--you know you don't look any different, but somehow, you feel as though everybody knows you're not one of them.

sacred spaces abound when one is in love: "this is where we first had coffee," "this is where he proposed," "this is where she said 'yes'." and the thing with these sacred spaces is that they remain sacred even when others create their own memories around it. thus, that corner table by the window where one guy proposed could also be that corner table by the window where one couple had their first date. yet regardless of how many beautiful memories are created, the sacred space remains to be unique to a person, to a couple, because the experience is their own.

lately, i've been thinking about sacred spaces in the context of a love gone wrong. what, then, becomes of it? isn't this a dilemma of most people coming out of a relationship--not visiting places they used to frequent as a couple, not watching the movies they loved to watch over and over again (because, of course, those, while beyond the realm of the physical, are sacred spaces, too)? memories are easily triggered by familiar fixtures, and even by scents--now it isn't only that couch by the corner but also the smell of freshly brewed coffee that reminds one of that first date that, unfortunately, didn't translate to a second.

i don't know, really. but for me, the sacred spaces i have remain as they are. only that they are not seen with the same level of affection, nor nostalgia. at first, these sacred spaces were dealt with bitterness, with hurt, even. but as time allows for healing and personal growth that comes with the realization that moving on is the only remedy to being broken, these sacred spaces are then dealt only with a strange kind of fondness. i say 'strange' because the fondness is not about wanting to bring the past back, but being grateful for it. there is acknowledgement that the past made us stronger than who we were before.

i believe we're always in the process of creating sacred spaces. and while we look outwardly at the ones we create around the physical, there are also hidden sacred spaces, tucked deep into the relationships we have with friends, family, and the ones we get to call, the love of our life. these are, i would say, the hidden beauty we can rightfully claim, uniquely ours.

visions in pink

i don't know what it is with my friends from work but there are just days when we come to work or for this matter, go to a gimik, wearing pink. purely accidental, may i say. for this gimik last friday, we were at corik's where i mustered enough guts (or in the vernacular, kapal ng mukha) to sing with a band (i sang "torn", fyi). heck, i figured, i wouldn't want to put my curls to waste. i wasn't drunk, in case you ask (look closely, it's a glass of water in front of me), so just credit the audacity to my own belief in my vocal chords. fun, fun night it was, indeed...


pink galore!

chillin' 

"i can see the perfect sky is torn..."

news from the pit (of my stomach, that is)

today i ate a lot. and i mean a lot.

lunch was sir aibee's treat at cafe milano. he's really one of the nicest executives i've met (an svp, at that) and not only because he makes bets with us (this treat being the product of the classic ateneo-la salle duel) but also because he's really genuinely interested with how we are. so there we were chatting away over a sumptuous italian feast of 3 kinds of pizza and 2 kinds of pasta. i was sitting in front of sir aibee and noticed that he really wasn't a big eater. this, however, didn't bother any of us as we finished all our food. personally, i had 3 slices of pizza and tried the 2 different kinds of pasta. more than i can usually handle.

merienda was our treat. and mind you, this was just a little over 2 hours after the carbo-loading that was lunch. this treat was 3 months in the making but as they say, better late than never. we had pancit, pichi-pichi and barbeque from amber. mmmm... we weren't really hungry but we ate, nevertheless. what bottomless pits...

dinner. i cannot even believe i still had the capacity to eat. my boy and i did a few groceries before heading off to kfc. i was supposed to just eat a salad but then when i entered, i was lured by that chicken fillet thing they had. oh well, i devoured that, too.

i feel like a polar bear who eats everything it can before it hibernates for 6 months or so. only that (1) i don't hibernate, and (2) i'll be eating again tomorrow, that's for sure.

quiet musings

sometimes we do really have to make sacrifices or we compromise if we believe in that which we value the most. and oftentimes, it comes almost naturally, like second nature. but there are moments, like when the paranoia that isn't even yours to begin with, creeps in on you and you are made to think, whether or not this is really what you want for yourself. because always, one has a choice.

reaffirmation of personal choices is part of our everyday. and like the sacrifices we make, the reaffirmations can become almost second nature, like something we don't need to consciously make. except of course, when the everyday is visited by the out-of-the-ordinary. like a distraction of sort. an unwelcome gesture.

hence, the need to look inside one's innermost longings and desires. is this what i really want? what i'm willing to put up with?

at times, too, there's endless rationalization. or qualifications--a barrage of thoughts that floods one's already intricate and complicated mind.

yeah...the everyday... the minor jolts we get when we become too comfortable with where we stand...

one can only be thankful to know that regardless of all the distractions and jolts made obvious, the choices made are still the ones that give him happiness.

and in that case, the reaffirmations are not hard to make.